I am puke
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
