You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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