just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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