I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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