I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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