Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
