do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
