The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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