after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
