Only a mothe r could love this liver
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Randomize
