just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
