I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just google imaged poop.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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