before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
