Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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