we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
