This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
