I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
