Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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