You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
