I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
