Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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