I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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