Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
