On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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