Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
