I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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