How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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