I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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