You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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