I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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