my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
