96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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