I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
