Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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