How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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