You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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