pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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