She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
