So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
