My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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