so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
