haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
