My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
