this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
