i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
