Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
