I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
