its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
