is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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