i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
