If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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