I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
When are your genitals available?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
