I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
