I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
