I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
