never play flip cup with pint glasses
I think I won the penis lottery.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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