I'll bet she douches with gravy.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
