I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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