I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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