If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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